Waiting to Exhale
Hello friends!
I come to you after a long break (did you hear? There was a pandemic!) but I have a squinch of brain-space to talk to the internet.
Things to be aware of: historically, I have attempted to blog in a way that was marginally attuned to What Was Going On In The World. These days, I shall not! I will attempt to amuse you, and it will not pertain very much at all to the news cycle. Maybe that's what you're looking for?
What does Whitney Houston know about polyvagal theory?
Well: the thrust of her popular 1995 film ‘Waiting to Exhale’ rests on the idea that one day she would be embraced by a man- and EXHALE deeply. The idea being, her body will relax, and she will settle into the arms of the man who will be her home, her husband, and her great champion, because he FEELS right.
This is a lovely idea, though one troubled by the fact that it takes a very long time to find a do-right man anywhere in that film. Eventually everyone finds their happiness, though largely it is not in the arms of a man. (You should look inside yourself, you're halfway there, say shoop, you get it.)
That said, maybe we just need to watch Angela Bassett lighting misbehaving husband's cars on fire, on a loop, forever. That would be fine with me.
What Whitney understands intuitively in her desire for a deep exhale is a desire to activate her vagus nerve (lets her know she's safe!) in the presence of another person. (connection! coregulation!)
Your Brain Wants to Pick a Fight When Your Body Feels Bad
Polyvagal theory celebrates a lot of different ways to settle the nervous system- meaning, supporting your BODY to feel better as a way of quieting your active, chatty brain.
Often, when your nervous system is disregulated (when you feel agitated/jumpy/irritable because on a deeper level your body doesn't feel SAFE) your brain needs to be coached into understanding what is understanding somatically, otherwise it will go around making up reasons why things feel like garbage.
If we leave a brain on it's own to try to interpret the noise of your nervous system, it will only come up with reasons that sound like "YOU ARE THE WORST."
Many bodies like to self-soothe through lengthy exhales- it is one of the cornerstones of basic skills in polyvagal theory. If your body is trying to self soothe by moving in that direction intuitively, go for it! Long exhales, whether through sighing, talking in long stretches or singing, are all supportive tools.
What is Co-Regulation?
Coregulation, as you may know, is the way that a person provides support and engagement to another- though it describes both body language, attention and awareness being directed toward the person, and verbalizations.
It is one way to describe turning toward a loved one in distress and being available to receive that distress, ultimately supporting their shift toward a more regulated/less distressed state in their affect and nervous system.
Therefore, to be embraced by someone, and have it result in a nervous system downregulation (exhale) is actually a really concrete read on whether we feel safe with that person. (Wanna dance with somebody who loves me etc)
What does this all mean?
It means Whitney Houston deserved better in lots of ways, but in her memory we can learn about the ways polyvagal theory support very intuitive tools:
seeking connection through coregulation
long exhales as a way of calming down/settling the system.
Stephen Porges calls these "islands of safety"- meaning the world is a scary place, but we can create islands of safety, one attuned embrace at a time.
Get some hugs, let a long sigh rattle out of you. I'll see you soon.